Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
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don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Sorry for the delay in texting you back. My internet is slow and it takes a week to arrive at your location
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
I’m trying to shower you with affection. It doesn’t matter how I got into your bathroom.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Welcome to parenting — the only hobbies you have left are the ones you can do in the bathroom.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?