Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn’t lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don’t whine about it all the time. Southerners. 🙄

Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor

Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?

Me: Yes, I do.

Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?

Me: I’m not sure.

Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!

I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”

Mushroom: what the heck am I?

God: you’re a mushroom

Mushroom: is-is that good?

God: yes, you have a very important job to do

Mushroom: like what?

God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know

Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…

Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.

Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.

Her: Oh no.

Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.

Her: You already do that.

me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?

wife: give me back the baby

Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars

I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.

Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.

the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road

If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”

My name will always be Matt.

Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.

Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”

Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]

James Potter: push down and then pull back

Voldemort: I am [still struggling]

Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it

Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10

I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.

So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL

GERG: She licked ur donut?

JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!

GERG: gross!

JERY: she also said she “hates america”

GERG: Donut licking traitor!

BOSS: Can I see you in my office?

INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you

Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!

Me: ah, the irony

Friend: What?!

Me: What?

Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?

My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.

me: 11 can you come here

11: am i in trouble?

me: …no…but…should you be?

11: no.

me: sus.

But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.

[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out

I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces

As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.