Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.

The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.

Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”

twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE

twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.

Boss: What are you working on?

Me: Something I have limited time to finish.

Boss: Oh, okay. I’ll leave you to it, then.

Me: [goes back to Prime Day shopping]

I am just a man.

Standing in front of a cat.

Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.

Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?

I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…

[white house staff meeting]

Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*

the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles

I am thick and tired. 🙄

My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.

what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways

Untitled Goose Monstress

Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa

I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars

I hate elevators, they give me vertigo

I take many steps to avoid them

-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop

“Smell ya later”

-me, to my asparagus

I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over

mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!

[20 years later]

mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother

PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals

ME: no problem

[later w/ a group]

ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…

Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?

Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.

Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?

Boss: haha oh goodness no

The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.

*Followed*

[2287 AD]

Omg: dad, where did our names come from?

Karen: the algorithm, son

Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm

Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*

Cher: Do you believe in life after love?

Me: *checks dictionary*

No.

My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.

I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.

Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been

I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.

A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.