Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
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One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Clown: [reaching for his nose]
Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior