Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
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Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.