Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
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him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Did you get that psychic damage I sent you
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Sometimes I’ll buy one of those really big bags of posh Tyrells Crisps and think “why, this amount of crisps will last me three, maybe four days?”. But then I will sit down with the big bag of crisps, and I will enter into what might medically be referred to as a “crisp trance”.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Alexa: *deep breath*
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Happy Halloween 🎃
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.