Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
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Smile they said.
If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 2 minutes.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
I don’t like people staring at me on a good day let alone when I’m naked in the Smithsonian with my mummy bandages removed.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
How can I say no to this ?
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Like your own tweets baby, no one will know anyway.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.