Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
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I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
It’s so funny how dracula in marvel is a thing and he is constantly in the background as a looming threat but noone cares but blade
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
My dating profile:
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan