Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
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Peace was never an option
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
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