Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
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In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
a god among men
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.