Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.

baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing

Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.

{the invention of maple syrup}

So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?

Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car

Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.

But… why can’t I use my teeth?

Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP

[3am – a knock on the door]

me: jfc do u know what time it is?

salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time

me: *considers intensely* come in

I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.

[zombie apocalypse]

Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up

you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak

I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”

99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…

Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.

soldier: is that a picture of your love?

me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah

364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today

[knock on door]

JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

ME (hates gossip): no

Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.

There’s no “I” in angel.

But there is one in devil!

2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs

i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.

Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.

What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea

My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.

My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal

Spotted in New Orleans.

astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely

My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.

I’ve never related to anyone less.

My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense

My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”

Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.