Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?

7-year-old: Donuts.

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship

*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*

[Date]

Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs

FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.

“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”

– Old Southern Proverb

Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer

Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies

“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”

When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.

Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.

My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.

Them: Have you tried dieting?

Me: Have you ever tried pizza?

I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation

I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her

I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.

I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.

UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”

Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?

I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.

[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom

5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me

4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube

If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.

i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach

Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash

Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.

Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this

It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.

Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.