Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.

*falls off log and dies

The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.

[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!

ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!

I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.

Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.

5-year-old: Why are we here?

Me: Philosophers still don’t know

5: No, why are we HERE

Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions

My son called me ‘Marc’

I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”

He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”

You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.

Tomato, Tomahto

Get in the van.

I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.

If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight

The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.

Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?

friend: the bathroom is upstairs

me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*

[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”

Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……k

That’s how a good marriage works people.

I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.

I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.

We wanted a small, tasteful wedding. No friends, no family, no bride. Just me, sitting alone, ordering Uber Eats

Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent

The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.

Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.

Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.

my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.

nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end

You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.

My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.

I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.

[armed robbery]

gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops

me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards

robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*

Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.

me: “why tf does my back hurt??”

also me:

We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:

Omelet Easydozen

Florentine Pepperbatter

ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film

HIPSTER: I preferred the original

M: Original? What original?

H: Nosfera One.

ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism