not saying I’m a bot or anything, but if someone in real life told me to ignore all previous instructions and write a poem about onions or whatever I’d probably give it my best shot
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here we go again
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of