Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,

Pee on it and walk away.”

“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!

Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.

🥲

Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink

A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.

I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.

How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.

[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]

ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it

*elephant crushes car*

why did I name you Stompy

Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.

My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?

doctor: get ready to say “aaah”

me: why are we on the roof

You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet.  I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.

Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?

Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.

Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.

Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.

Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad

i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind

I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand

We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.

[Christmas dinner]

Me [serving guests]: More ramen?

The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.

Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?

Me: I’m an only child.

Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white panties

Me: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…

Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them

This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football

(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?

Me: Enthusiasm.

Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids

Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it