Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
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When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer