Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder

ME: *so high I’m screaming*

WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!

Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.

[First date after divorce]

Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.

I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.

When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.

Things that are likely to kill me:

1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework

If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.

my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever

me:

applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist

As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.

depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time

ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft

Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.

Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.

Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.

Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”

I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.

My current situation

I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool

YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you

This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs

Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.

Nosey, gossipy neighbour has fallen out with most of the street at some point. 10 years ago she had her lawn replaced with white pebbles. Every work day since I’ve lobbed my chewing gum on there. I reckon there’s now more gum than pebbles.

WHO DID THIS?

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years

Me: punching a goose in its mouth

Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position

Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose

Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend

Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either

I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.

Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.

Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost