Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
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My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
me and my fake scenarios
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Thinking about switching my books to a freemium model. I could give away the basic version but charge extra for fun bonus features like plot, characters, and vowels.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
4 y/o is requesting that I have five more children “so [she] can fight them” ???????
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels