Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
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Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
No flush
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile