Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
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*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Hero horse inspires millions
Donkey Kong sommelier
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.