Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
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Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
There’s no “u” in narcissist
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?