Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
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Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose