Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
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screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
“What?”
– Jude
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
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18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?