Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.

Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.

[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now

Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.

Me: I’m really into architecture.

Her: Contemporary…modern?

Me: LEGO.

My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.

Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley

Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.

Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?

Whenever a news article says the world’s oldest person has died, they never mention the suspects. Who stands to gain from this? Did they have any enemies? What about the second oldest person? What’s their alibi?

It’s Journalism 101, people!

this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*

I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support

Pandas 🐼🖤

{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.

{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??

me: wHaT iS It DocToR

dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people

me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS

dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS

You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.

Noah

If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.

[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad

Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.

Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?

Okay this one takes it home

Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.

[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together

As a proud husband and father in my 40s, my New Year’s resolution is to sneeze even louder this year.

I bought some coconut shampoo today.

I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”

I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus

My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”

Secret Panel HERE 🤘

I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.

No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.

What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?