Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire

The kindergarten people are so short

-my kid, after one day of being a first grader

My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE

Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please

Papa john’s: order a pizza!

Mama john’s: we have pizza at home

A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.

DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?

ME: it’s a tip

DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight

ME: *hands him $20 bill*

I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.

meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?

American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.

British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.

I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.

Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.

Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right

Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?

*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.

My safe word is extra cheese

…in queso emergency.

If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.

When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.

Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.

Her: Tell me…

Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?

My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine

sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze

I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact

I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.

I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?

If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer

This is my emotional support knife.

My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”

My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.

Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”

Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”

The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank

I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.