Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
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A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
🙁
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE