Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
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ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
shazam but for random noises outside
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.