not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
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Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Finally!
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Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
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Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.![]()
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”