Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.

my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her

How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun

“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”

CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan

*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*

Me: I think my computer’s broken

Boss: just give it to the IT guy

Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck

Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼‍♀️

My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.

[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]

Ahhhh, there it is…

Wife: Get off of me!!

Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree

I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.

[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*

No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.

{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.

How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?

Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.

Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.

My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.

Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.

Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂

Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch

Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.

Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.

My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”

[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes

Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?

Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.

Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?

Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.

If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”

I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.

[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those