Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day in the Coast Guard]

Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!

Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.

You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything

[about to be murdered]

Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.

HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?

It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia

Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍

72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response

My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.

Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.

We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.

Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]

they could’ve used a picture of a brain or something lmao

My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.

My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.

July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*

August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*

August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*

I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”

My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”

I’ve reached the part of my summer where I’m excited that I’ll soon be able to stop checking my kids’s heads for ticks and go back to just checking for lice

me: your honor, the defense rests.

judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.

My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral

Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”

Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family

What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?

Gloves!

Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.

The absolute effort that went into this omg

I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.

Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV

Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.

i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video

I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first