Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids

Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…

Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*

Dad died last year. I had the job of clearing his house out as I still
live in the same town. Found twelve thousand pounds in cash stashed in various hiding places. Haven’t told my siblings.

Robber: *is literally robbing my house*

My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls

Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now

Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*

July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*

August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*

August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*

I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.

McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”

Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it

feb 14: i love everything about u

feb 15: don’t breathe like that

The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.

Facebook Twitter

*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?

*first day as Robin Hood

“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”

Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.

Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”

“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”

Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.

Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.

The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.

my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion

First Date

Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.

Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*

I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.

French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.

Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?

ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK

why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford

Me: How is your chicken?

Mario: It needsa salt.

Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*

Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.

[Commercial for ulcer medication]

“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”

Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?

I hunt* my own food.

*run down the street after the ice cream truck