Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
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“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Half of this strand of Christmas lights doesn’t work so I’m just going to ball it back up and toss it in the bin so it can piss me off again next year.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Did everyone recover from the TikTok ban?! 🤣😂
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Why don’t bikes stand up on their own?
Because they’re two tired
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people
boss: you’re not on mute
me: i know.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
I get sad when I see how old people my age are.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.