Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
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It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
BRO LMFAO
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Bloody internet 😳
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything