Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning

FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.

Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.

Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.

Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?

if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water

i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/

an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid

How all things should be taught/explained.

As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.

*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*

It’s too funny that Michael Chiklis signed on to do Gotham in a relatively straightforward role and then a year later they had him looking like Furiosa

I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.

“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”

Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.

Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.

Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.

My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.

To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited

Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?

3-year-old: Babies are jerks.

[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony

Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”

Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache

If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.

Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.

[Vaccination center]

Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please

” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.

Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “

[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”

doctor: you need a knee replacement

me: great i would like slinkies

I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.

I love counterfeiting stuff

[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?

BOSS: Can I see you in my office?

INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you