Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
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Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
People buying plungers never look happy.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
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I’ve reached the part of my summer where I’m excited that I’ll soon be able to stop checking my kids’s heads for ticks and go back to just checking for lice
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
