Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.

Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”

Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”

Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”

Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”

Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!

You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.

I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.

“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”

at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations

This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.

One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.

#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.

What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.

13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.

There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.

*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curves

Me, taking off my Spanx: behold

[speed dating]

date: what’s your biggest turn on?

me: wind turbines

date: ah i’m not a big fan

me: next

Me: there there. No need for ugly crying

Him: I’m not crying

Ants can be found on every continent except Antarctica, which is weird considering their name.

sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big

“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”

Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.

*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!

Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?

Husband: GET UP!

My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”

F Bombs for everyone! 😃

Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people

Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*

Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.

dryer: permanent press

me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.

Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.

So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.

I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.

Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!

Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*

[30 min later]

Wife: …where is he?

Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)

*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come