Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
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My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
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Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Now this is how you LinkedIn
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
lmfao come on
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution