Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?

baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold

mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear

[first day working at a bakery]

Customer: can I get a-

Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out

The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.

6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.

That stung.

If there are ladies out there into bad boys, look no further. I’m now watching a show despite it being for mature audiences only.

One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.

ME: *stands by the window*

ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot

Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?

“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.

I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.

Therapist: and what do we do about people who hurt us
Me: we go to a cemetery and fill up a jar of cemetery dirt, add a piece of their hair and fingernail clippings, add a chicken bone then scream at it for a month?
Therapist: NO

I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?

My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.

I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now

One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.

If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix

Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it

My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?

It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice

If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart

Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.

My dreams have come true.

The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’

Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?

Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*

ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…

GOD: [creates dog]

ANGEL: …and for how they actually do

GOD: [creates cat]

Ghost: GET OUT

Me: Or what?

Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder

My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.

My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.

Very weird.

Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”