Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
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if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Coffee is ready.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
You can make friends in a doctor’s waiting room as long as you have something broken and not something coughing
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.