Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
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This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
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Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*