not seeing the problem
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Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
hate when dogs are anxious. you don’t even understand the concept of money
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
*puts my mental health in rice
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
My middle-schooler who happens to be at Comedy Camp this week just caught me using my fingers to calculate the month then ran to write it down so his final showcase should be sufficiently horrifying.