not seeing the problem
You Might Also Like
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.