not seeing the problem
You Might Also Like
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill