Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
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Netflix should’ve just maybe mailed us all this fight on DVD
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Me: Was it good for you?
Her: You’re cleaning up this confetti
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom
