Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.

Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours

Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.

In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.

not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret

Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.

Fibula: Silently plots revenge.

Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad

Nobody:

Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.

Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?

Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.

Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met

Professor whatshisname: get out

My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.

Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.

1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.

what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy

I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…

For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…

Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes

Optometrist: I am please stop talking

If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!

Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry

STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?

Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.

I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡

I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.

Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.

“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?

Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail

Just experienced LA to its fullest.

A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”

I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato

me: my back hurts

doctor: have you tried voting

Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.

Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.

Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.

Librarian: Nice try, pal.

[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.