Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
You Might Also Like
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Emma is smarter than all of us.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.