Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
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It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????