Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought

Zack Greinke stories are the best

Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you

Cats: no it’s murder

My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.

[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”

This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.

Stop attacking me with reasonable advice

“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.

“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.

I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.

The vet looked me over.

He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.

Banking tips

We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’

Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?

Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.

You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.

I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.

You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.

My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.

I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game

I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists

That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.

Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.

Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.

Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.

Finished stitching this today 😇

The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed

My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”

Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.

Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.

[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.

I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.

BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..