Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
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[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens