Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.

Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.

I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids

me: this water is not hydrating me.

wife: that’s because it’s tequila.

me: that explains why I’m naked

target cashier:

Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.

“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”

Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?

there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job

men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want

If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.

Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!

Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.

“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”

-Me laying face down on the floor

From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.

[at the gym]

Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?

Waldo: Please don’t do that.

I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.

the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough

My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.

Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.

The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.

Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.

Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.

Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.

Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?

After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.

For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.

Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’

I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.

I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.

dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy

me: ok got it

[later]

her: hi i’m carol

me: u look like shit

Get off of twitter and pay attention to me

Netflix, probably

Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap