Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”

“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”

“That’s cool.”

4yo: Bam!

Me: Excuse me?!

7yo: He didn’t say dammit!

2yo: Dammit?

Me: 🤦‍♀️

In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.

yeah…. right…

*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.

[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]

Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*

ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?

Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.

I call my toilet “Jim”…

It sounds much better when I announce “I’m going to the Jim” every morning.

same bro

Twitter is like a rocking chair.

It gives you something to do

and takes you nowhere

I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.

she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos

Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.

Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.

I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.

I’m half potato on my dad’s side

Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.

The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.

God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?

*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately

Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.

the zen of frog

All my small talk is done with a car horn.

I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.

Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.

Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.

Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?

Neil Armstrong: …yes.

Every day Stephen King and I both:

1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet

Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.

90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position

Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.