Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?

dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.

marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.

Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.

tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism

Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy

Me: Yes I have!

Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*

Me: Yes, I do!

Wife: Do the laundry

Then: I will never lie to my children

Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.

this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens

Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.

I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.

I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.

Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?

Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with

When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.

me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun

zookeeper: your what

If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?

This chloroform smells expensiv…

I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something

In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche

It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer

The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.

We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.

Not with that attitude

Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.

I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.

Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.

Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing

They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…

Will boys ever get pants right!?

if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo

[being murdered]

Me: omg barry? from high school?

Barry: no way {stab} dave?

Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?

Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now

Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec

Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.

Me: Mmm hmmm

Wife: Are you even listening to me?

Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.

[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t

Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.