Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
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[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
I had been watching a tv series with the subtitles on & when it got to The Big Dramatic Lovemaking Scene after a whole lot of episodes & the 2 main characters FINALLY began to kiss, the subtitle said “smooches.” I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers