Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
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[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.