Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
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online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings