Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
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Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
tad speechless. husband just woke me up from my football nap by holding a warm piece of pizza under my nose until the smell got me sniffing and twitching like a dog. “I can’t believe that worked”
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!