Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

felt cute might bury dad later idk

I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.

only targaryens can ride dragons?

explain this game of thrones

Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?

Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*

*i did

When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat

You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.

Shots it is!

5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.

Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child

It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.

[sketchy parking lot]

stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?

me: maybe if i get a running start

[first date]

Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole

Her: I know how juice boxes work

Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?

ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons

Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.

Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*

I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”

Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.

haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first

He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.

This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.

Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”

Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…

Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.

When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.

I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.

When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot

My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”

Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”

My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”

At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.

piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists

The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.

Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.

Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago

Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant