Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[company meeting]

Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.

Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]

Hate it when i pull out a winter coat and there’s no money or drugs stashed in it

Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.

Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.

Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…

I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit

I no longer need Google.

I have a 22 year old in college.

pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.

how long have you had this for?

[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]

“Ptequila, pthanks.”

I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive

Go bears!

(I’m not watching football I just hate salmon)

Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool

Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds

Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho

Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers

Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-

Scientist: They wore socks with sandals

Husband: can I have a taste?

Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it

my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs

ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.

COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.

I fucking love letting emergency vehicles past on blue lights. I try to make it as easy as possible for them, to the point that I hope they drive past and think ‘wow, he’s done a great job of getting out the way’

Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.

Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever

I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”

I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…

Drove past Sheffield a few times over the years & always wondered what they were building with all the cranes. Every year the cranes were there & I said to my husband how long have they been building there? The look on his face when he told me it was a crane yard.

Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.

See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.

Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.

Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos

Looking good, Kim! #LNSM

My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.

[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*

[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*

My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse

My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.