Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.

Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.

honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time

No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs

if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial

if you were born after 2005 you are gen z

if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas

Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911

I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive

I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.

me: psst, wanna see a dead body

nurse at my first surgery: no

If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.

*internal alarm…awakens at 6am

*presses nose

*sleeps 9 more minutes

WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.

ME: Thanks.

WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.

me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait

Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags

20s: I’m on top of the world!

50s: stop the world I want to get off!

Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.

[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]

omg this is gonna hurt

Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)

The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.

People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.

How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.

Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.

I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.

“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”

-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.

Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?

Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.

Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.

son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”

me: [taking off shirt]

wife: woah slow down there bud

me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?

writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it

Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”

I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave