Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
You Might Also Like
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
i saw someone a few weeks ago say “if brain eating bacteria got into your head it would starve” and i’ve been saying it to people since. just incredible. a really great insult
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
I wish they treated the presidential turkey pardon a little more like professional wrestling, and had like a senator from the opposing party sharpening a carving knife and licking his chops until the pardon goes through, and then he throws up his hands and storms out
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Everyone is so worried about preservatives in their foods. I want whatever is in hotdog buns to be in every cell in my body. That’s the real immortality.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
If snakes were wide
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.