Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
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I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.