Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today’s tshirt

🤣

[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?

I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.

“My lawyer will have me out in an hour.”

Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.

I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.

I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.

2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!

Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?

2: I eat it.

Well that escalated quickly.

“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym

I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.

It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…

Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.

You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.

interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?

me: i’m a slow learner

interviewer: well…that’s not good

me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to

When the stylist spins you back around

ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series

OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home

I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!

[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”

my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee

If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.

You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol

GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!

GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.

Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.

Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you

Me: Apology accepted

Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.

Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.

Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.

Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.