Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
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My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Saturday
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.
Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Taliband
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
This is me
