Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
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Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
i just started buying stock from the market…i have chicken, beef, and vegetable…i hope that makes me a bouillonaire one day 😂😂 i love telling jokes and walking around the financial district in new york city 😝
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Morpheus: Are you going to take the red pill or blue pill?
Me: Which one helps with reflux?
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
instead of being constantly irritated by other people’s flaws i’ve decided to become more self-absorbed
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY