Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄

To be continued…

[ first date ]

her: i like a man who plans financially for the future

me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later

I never found the Headless Horseman that impressive, because the horse still has a head and is clearly doing all the navigating. My first thought wouldn’t be “demon guy” it would be “service horse, make sure not to pet it”

I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.

hostess: table or booth

termite family: we’ll have both

Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?

Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.

Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh

Cop: You been drinking?

Me: No.

Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.

Me: Alphabet the.

Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.

Me: Each letter.

I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.

[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]

Kids: Dad, what IS this place?

Me: I have absolutely no idea

Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.

My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.

*orders sushi for delivery*

*throws towel over aquarium*

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.

My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.

This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan

How does a farmer find new cows to buy?

He looks through the cattlelog.

The key to a successful marriage is never go to bed married

I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.

My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.

Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.

Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work

Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too

My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.

Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously

HER: yes

ME: yeah right

Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…

“OMG DAD. WOW-”

…dboard box.

“But-”

Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.

I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.

– me flirting

Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.

“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”

– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school

[at interview]

INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?

ME: Peter Piper.

INTERVIEWER: What does he do?

ME: It’s difficult to say.