Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b

*being born

my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT

Silence is golden

But duct tape is silver.

Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.

You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom

Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.

Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird

Nurse: Know your blood type?

Me: Type-O

N: That’s good!

M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!

N: Get out

M: Fair enough

Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them

“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”

EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.

I sleep like a baby at night…

…a baby with a terrible secret.

welcome to janurary 32nd everyone

*I come home with an empty stroller*

WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?

ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle

WIFE:

ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK

7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.

ex: do you still have feelings for me?

me: yes.
disgust.

[end of interview]

Any questions for me?

Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?

YOU ARE SO HIRED.

Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..

Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.

Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.

I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice

[slashing food truck tires]

friend: wtf are you doing?!

[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!

MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?

ME: no

MT: i wasn’t asking

ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were

Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.

Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.

Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.

To err is human… To not know what err means is American.

[at bank]

Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island

Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells