Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
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My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4
Taco Bell
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees