Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
You Might Also Like
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Love is always patient and kind.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile
Then walk into a wall
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.