Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.

[Social Media Addiction Club]

Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.

*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.

I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.

“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.

The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…

At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.

– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?

– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.

[sitting in dentist’s chair]

Dentist: get out of my living room

I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.

WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit

ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?

Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?

Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.

The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”

So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times

{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.

i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig

Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private

[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS

If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.

My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.

Reviews of Hogwarts

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”

[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]

Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand

eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.

one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)

so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct

A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.

KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.

Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two

Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate

I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.

Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.

I still like to cuddle though.

Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.