Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza

My birthstone is a marshmallow.

“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”

– my first and last day as a defense attorney

Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!

Sir I-

Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no

People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.

Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?

date: what do you do?

me: i’m a filmmaker.

date: oh what’s that like?

me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.

Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively

Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company

WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above

How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do

PSA: Always be yourself

Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time

Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.

Always go for the Lonewolf, unless they are insane, then go for someone else.

People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.

Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.

doctor: what’s wrong?

me: nobody can tell the time anymore

doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock

My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.

I’m raising an evil genius.

Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.

My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…

‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.

I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.

-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.

In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.

If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.

📸: @blessingmanifesting

#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth

do you think my neighbors will mind if i make their outside xmas decorations look better

Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*

COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.

You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?

*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”

Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?

Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does

Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful

How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?