Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
You Might Also Like
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
My last name is Zilla.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for