Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.

Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit

Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail

person texting me: hey I’m outside

me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON

Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.

I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can

While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”

My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.

“I have a date with destiny”

Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions

Bands are always like “here’s another song” yeah no shit that’s pretty much all you do

I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”

I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸

Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.

I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.

*runs 3 steps*

my heart: if u don’t stop i will

Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?

Love is always patient and kind.

*giving my sister parenting advice*

Me: So, you lift them like this.

Sister: Okay.

M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.

S: [picks up pillow]

You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.

*at party*

Guy: Want to dance?

Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.

Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.

Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”

me: [dancing in a well lit area]

Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not

It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.

And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.

flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!

her: i’m a doctor

my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you

me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-

my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor

*calling 911 for the fifth time*
{breathing heavy & whispering} okay, the spider has just reached the ceiling

I’ve updated my will…

“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”

If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.

Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more