Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
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Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you like doing things?
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
My husband just walked in the bedroom and said “love of my life look alike contest… you already won” lmfao
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Looking at you, Jesus.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa