Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive

I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.

This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.

I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.

My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.

ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT

eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.

People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.

If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.

*only works at Home Depot

Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.

So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.

Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal

WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her

My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey

Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.

When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence

“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them

Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍

Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.

And we’re off! To an unreasonable start

[at funeral] You really had to see him live

doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?

me: does sex count?

doctor: yes

me: then no

I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.

Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.

me: what’s the weather today

weatherman: party sunny

me: and tomorrow?

weatherman: partly cloudy

me: what’s the difference

weatherman:

me:

weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much

[a red dot appears on my forehead]

You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.

Looking for a plus one for my wedding.

I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.

“Knock knock”

“Who’s there?”

“Pizza”

“My new boyfriend who?

“No. Pizza”

“My future husband who?”

“No.”

“Playing hard to get who?”

you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?

She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.