Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
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I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
I can’t wait!
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Cinematography is my passion
Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*