Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
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Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
My husband got stung by a bee on the forehead,he’s at the hospital now.
Face all swollen and bruised,he almost died…..Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel !!!
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
NYPD has located a can of Pringles left behind by the assassin in Central Park. Upon opening it, they found it was spring-loaded with a large toy snake
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
“you won’t always have a calculator with you” yes I will. The real test should be whether or not I can finish the quiz without buying anything online
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.